


Losing You

by LibraryMage



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Autistic Character, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Post-Episode: s03e01 The Holocrons of Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ezra finds out just how close he came to losing his family all over again.





	

“Let’s get out of here,” Hera said, leading the way up the ramp of the _Ghost_.  The rest of the crew followed, every one of them anxious to leave.  As Ezra followed behind Kanan, his eyes fell on the bright red marks on his master’s arms and hands.

“Kanan, are you okay?” he asked.  The marks looked almost like burns.  “What happened?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Kanan said.  “I'm alright.”

“What happened?” Ezra asked again as the ship began to lift off.

Kanan stopped in his tracks and let out a quiet sigh.

“It was Maul,” he said.  “He pushed me out of an airlock.”

“What?” Ezra said, much louder than he’d meant to.  A flash of fury rose in his chest.  The next time he saw Maul --

“Hey,” Kanan said, putting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “I'm okay.  You don’t need to worry about me.”

“He tried to killed you,” Ezra growled.

“But he failed,” Kanan said.  “I'm still here.  We’re all okay.”

The _Ghost_ lurched as the ship entered hyperspace and something skittered across the floor toward them.  Ezra looked down and saw a pair of binders Maul had used to hold one of his friends captive.  He glanced to the side and saw three droids, each bearing the telltale scorch marks of a lightsaber.  Ezra’s eyes locked on the droids’ blasters.

“Maul was gonna kill them, wasn’t he?” Ezra asked.  “It didn’t matter that we gave him the Holocron.  He was always planning to kill them.”

“Yeah,” Kanan said.  “He was.”

* * *

 

That night, Ezra found himself staring at the ceiling, unable to rid his mind of the images that flashed through it.  He couldn’t stop thinking about Kanan, pulled in the vacuum of space, gasping for air, about Hera and Zeb and Sabine lying on the floor of the cargo hold, blaster burns in the backs of their skulls, their eyes lifeless and empty.

Finally, Ezra couldn’t take it anymore.  He sat up and dropped to the ground quietly so he wouldn’t wake Zeb.  When he reached the door, he stopped and looked back over his shoulder for a moment.  He tried to find some comfort in the fact that he could _see_ Zeb breathing, but he couldn’t get the image of his friend’s lifeless body out of his head.

Ezra made his way through the dark, quiet ship, finding it just a little easier to breathe once he’d stepped out into the warm, dry air of Atollon, though not by much.  As he wandered across the cracked, sandy ground, he still couldn’t help but think about how close the whole crew, his whole family, had come to their deaths.

When Ezra reached the perimeter around the base, he saw Kanan sitting just inside the boundary made by the sensors, lost in thought.  Ezra had been so focused on the nightmarish images in his head that he hadn’t sensed Kanan nearby.

“Ezra?” Kanan called.  Ezra froze.  Maybe if he just didn’t say anything, Kanan wouldn’t realize he was really there.

“Ezra, I know it’s you,” Kanan said.  Ezra closed the distance between them and sat wordlessly beside his master.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” Kanan asked.

“No,” Ezra said.

“You want to talk about it?”

Ezra hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.  “I'm sorry, Kanan.  None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me.”

“Ezra, we talked about this --”

“Not just you getting blinded,” Ezra said.  “Everything that happened today.  Maul was after me, and he almost killed all of you.  He never would’ve gotten the chance to do it if I hadn’t trusted him on Malachor.”

“You didn’t know what he was planning.”

“I should have,” Ezra said.  “I should’ve known he wouldn’t let the others go, and I -- I shouldn’t have left you alone with him.”

“Ezra, this wasn’t anyone’s fault but Maul’s,” Kanan said.  “He did this, not you.  It wasn’t your fault.”

Kanan reached out and put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder only to find that his apprentice was shaking.  Something else was wrong.  Kanan could feel it beneath the surface, something deeper that had twisted itself into anger and guilt.  Fear.

“What’s really going on?” Kanan asked.

Ezra pulled his knees up to his chest, shaking his head.  He knew Kanan couldn’t see him, but he just couldn’t will himself to speak.

“Ezra, you can talk to me,” Kanan said.

“I just can't stop thinking about what could have happened,” Ezra said, his voice cracking.  “He almost killed all of you.”

He almost hated himself for admitting it.  They had all survived, so what was the point of continuing to think about what _might_ have happened?

“I almost lost you,” he said.  “And I -- and I didn’t even know it was happening.  I keep seeing it in my head.  You and Hera and Zeb and Sabine, all dead, and I --”

Ezra’s voice broke off with a sob that shook his whole body.  He threw his arms around Kanan, clinging to his master like there was nothing and no one left in the galaxy for him to hold on to.  Kanan put his arms around Ezra, gently patting the boy’s back.

“It’s okay, Ezra,” he said softly.  “It’s okay.”

“Kanan, I -- I'm --” Ezra stopped talking again.  He didn’t know if he could say this.  He didn’t know if he was strong enough to admit it.

“I'm scared,” he whispered, his voice muffled from his face being pressed against Kanan’s chest.  “I'm scared of what would happened if you died.  I don’t know what I would do.”

Ezra couldn’t -- _wouldn’t_ say what it was he really feared, that Kanan was the one keeping him afloat and stopping him from falling all the way into the darkness that was trying to consume him.  That without Kanan, he wouldn’t be able to fight that darkness alone.  That without his family, he’d be lost.  That if they died, Maul would have Ezra exactly where he wanted him and Ezra would be powerless to resist him.

Ezra pulled away slightly and looked up at his master’s face.

“I already lost one father,” he said.  “I can't lose another.”

“You won't,” Kanan said, tightening his grip on Ezra.  “I promise you, no matter what happens, no matter what Maul does, you will never lose me.”


End file.
